UPCOMING GIGS!

I'M HITTING THE BEACHES FOR 3 SOLO COMEDY SHOWS!

This Monday night, July 21st, at 9 PM at Irish Eyes in Rehobeth Beach DE. This is my 16th straight summer there and it's always a blast.

Saturday night, July 26th, at 9 PM, I'm returning to Coffee.Comedy in Sea Isle. This is a small, intimate, fun club and this show always sells out. Call 609 263 JAVA to make reservations.

Friday night, August 1st, at 9 PM, I'll be performing my first ever comedy show at Keenan's in N.Wildwood. E-mail me right here to make reservations.

TRIVIA APPEARANCES!

I'll be at PJ Whelihans in Maple Shade NJ this Tuesday night for the Phils game. It's our fourth big year! Trivia & cool prizes!

Every Wednesday night at 9 PM this summer, I will be back at Keenan's in North Wildwood for my fifth big year of Quizzo. Great prizes, come on out!

And... I'll have copies of THE GREAT BOOK OF PHILADELPHIA SPORTS LIST and the book about my Dad, LAST CALL, with me.

LAST WEEK'S TRIVIA WINNER... was Mike Verdeur of Levittown who knew that 54% of Americans still pay their bills by check. 

THIS WEEK'S TRIVIA...  Who was the last band to play at the Spectrum? First one to e-mail me with the correct answer and cpmment about this page wins a WIP tee shirt and a pair of tix to my next big comedy show either at Coffee.comedy or Keenan's.

Here's an Article I Wrote for the Sea Isle Times!

TURN THAT DOWN!

Well, here we are, mid-summer and let me ask you a question... Have you been evicted from your summer rental yet? How many times have the police been out to your joint to tell you TURN THAT DOWN? House partying is as much a Sea Isle tradition as the Springfield, busted beach chairs, hiding from the beach tag checkers, Loudogs, skeeball, and "What parish you from?"

It all begins with that rainy, cold trip in January when you start hitting the realtors looking for that perfect spot to rent. You tell the realtor that you're looking for a nice three bedroom for your mother and her friends when in reality you're representing 17 beer guzzling, Ipod blasting knuckleheads.

Well, cut to mid-June and you've already been served two warnings. Could you possibly be evicted before July 4th weekend?

Well, I was. It was June 29th and after our annual "June 28th Party" (celebrating June 28th), we were called down to the realty office and after fifteen minutes of begging we were given one fourth of our money back and the boot for the remainder of the summer. After splitting the money up amongst us, we all went our separate ways for the remainder of the summer. One of my boys, Jimmy Nes, years after the fact, admitted that he never even went in on the place and STILL got money back. What the heck, beer money is beer money, right?

They say that the more things change, the more they stay the same, and that certainly applies to Sea Isle. One day, you're the one making all the noise that the neighbors are complaining about and in the blink of an eye YOU'RE the one doing the complaining. 

Here's some more of my favorite stories:

I was at a party on 66th and Central. There had to be forty people in a one bedroom apartment with a deck that was big enough to accommodate one lawn chair. Yet somehow some idiot had managed to fit a PA system into this tiny pad. Not a stereo system, but a PA system, the kind that bands use when they're playing bigger venues like, say, the Wachovia Center.

Of course the police came and when they asked to talk to whoever was on the lease, no one spoke up, which is par for the course. Except this time, there really WASN'T anyone there on the lease. NOT ONE PERSON. It was like forty people had been wandering aimlessly down the street and collectively said, "Hey, that looks like a good place to throw a party." What did the police say? TURN THAT DOWN!

Here's another. It was the Tuesday AFTER Labor Day and my buddy Wiggles is still hanging around. You know what that Tuesday is like, right? There's NO ONE around. We all had a place in Strathmere that year and Wiggles wandered back to the rental having had more than a few friendly beverages. He was not only the only one in the house, he was practically the only soul in Strathmere. He was blasting Zep II and air-guitaring on top of a coffee table when all of a sudden he saw a light flashing around the ceiling. Turned out it was the a pair of state troopers (Strathmere has no police of their own) with a flashlight who, based on the sheer volume of the music which could be heard for miles around, were expecting a houseful of maniacs, not ONE GUY. What did the troopers scream? TURN THAT DOWN!

One more. In the mid-eighties I had recorded a novelty tune called LET'S CALL IN SICK that had gotten a ton of airplay on the Morning Zoo. It was released on a couple LP's and sold over 65,000 copies. It was late summer and I was walking down Landis toward the OD when I heard a very familiar sound. It was LET'S CALL IN SICK blasting from a second floor deck that had approximately 300 people on it. Dudes were singing the words, chicks were dancing to it, it was a real out of body experience for me. I just stood there staring up watching it. Boy, do I wish I had a video camera for THAT moment. Thank god no one yelled TURN THAT DOWN at them or I would have called the police on them!

So the next time your neighbors are being a little too loud, remember they may be only down for the week and this is their one moment to let it rip for the summer. Remember that you were 19 once. Remember that the next night it may be YOU that's being the noisy one. IT'S THE SUMMER, TURN IT UP!

The 24 Rock song list was so popular (click here for the list), I decided to see if I couldn't do the same for movies. One for every week. I'm going to go through my own collection and start in alphabetical order. All movies must be at least 5 years old to pass my standard passage of time. Please send your suggestions. REMEMBER, none of the flicks below are definites yet, just under consideration.

A

• AIRPLANE... If you sit and and watch this with a clicker and click for every laugh, I swear it has more yuks per minute than any comedy ever made. It's the beginning of the incredibly underrated careers of Abraham, Zucker & Zucker, plus Leslie Neilson, who has, since this flick, become an American comedy treasure. AND DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEY!
• ALIENS... Might be the greatest action/adventure flick ever. Weaver is totally believable, Paxson portrays a total wimp that you never see in these type of movies, and the alien itself is hands down THE MOST REALISTIC, SCARIEST MONSTER EVER.
• AMERICAN GRAFFITI... Watch this coming of age classic and you wish Lucas had never thought of STAR WARS. Not that I don't like the original, but GRAFFITI is so . . . . human! As fun as Howard became as a director, we forget what an ease he had as an actor. And I don't know if Dreyfuss was ever any better than this and I dig him in everything he does.
• ANGEL HEART... Doubt if this will make the Final 52, but I am such a Mickey Rourke fan that I have watched this countless times. Directed by the underrated Alan Parker, with a great score, this is as good as any occult film ever made, except for maybe . . . . uh . . . one. And more on that film later.
• ANIMAL HOUSE... Often I sit on the beach and listen to parents bitch about the behavior of their kids, I wait a few minutes and then switch the topic to ANIMAL HOUSE. Within seconds everyone is discussing their favorite moments. Why do some people conveniently forget that they pretty much did all the crazy crap (granted, sometimes dangerous) that they are bitching that their kids do? This movie so captures a time in my life (And I didn't even go to college, my ANIMAL HOUSE days were spent in Jersey shore rentals), that it actually makes me wistful while I'm laughing. Anyone who wouldn't want to be this age again IS A LIAR! FOOD FIGHT!
• ANNIE HALL... Because of Allen's recent weird moral judgments in his own life, it is now difficult to view HALL without seeing how hypocritical he was the entire time, so it kind of ruins it now for me. But make no mistake about it, it was groundbreaking at the time, it still has a ton of classic jokes, and that unforgettable moment from Christopher Walken.
  APOCALYPSE NOW... Although, they should have sent the totally under prepared Brando home the second he showed up on the set at that weight (What the hell, they had already replaced Keitel with Sheen), it's still a magnificent, compelling, psychedelic story and according to many Vietnam vets I have spoken to over the years, it really nails it. Duvall's raid on the village is one of the most startling pieces of film EVER.
• ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN... What a taut, exciting, suspenseful thriller considering there's not an ounce of violence (or even a threat of it in the entire flick. Obviously, Redford & Hoffman are well cast, but what a supporting lineup!  Robards, Warden, Crouse, Alexander, Holbrook, Beatty.
• APOLLO 13... Heroic, inspirational, educational, AND FUN! Fantastic cast. When Ed Harris (who's the director of the mission) overhears some NASA PR dweeb talking to another dweeb about how they were going to spin the failure of the mission to get to the moon, Ed Harris turns to them and says "I beg to differ, sir, but I believe this is our finest hour." Because those astronauts had every right to be dead.

B

• BLAZING SADDLES... The Godfather of all parody movies, it is Mel's classic. I can still, to this day, recite entire passages. Ya gotta love a comedy that doesn't have one redeeming quality. And what a theme song!
• BLUE VELVET... I'm not a good enough writer to accurately describe the importance of this flick. Weirder than weird, funny, scary, completely unique, it influenced an entire generation of filmmakers.  Absolutely not for everyone. Hopper called Lynch in the middle of the night after he had read the script (Lynch didn't even send him one) and said, "you don't understand, I AM Frank Booth!" Lynch was scared NOT to give him the role. PABST BLUE RIBBON!
• BODY HEAT... Did you know that before their first incredibly hot nude scene that Turner & Hurt went and introduced themselves to the crew totally naked? Just to break the ice. Break it? It was positively melting! An updating of DOUBLE INDEMNITY that really works. Look for a small, but memorable bit, from my main man, Mickey Rourke.
• BOUND... Why I must admit the lesbian angle adds an awful lot, the fact is, BOUND is a terrific thriller with many an unexpected plot twist with an over the top performance from the always good Joey Pants. Let's face it, sex is a major part of the movie biz and always will be, and it doesn't get much sexier than Gershon (who has the strangest career ever) & Tilly.
• BOURNE IDENTITY... At the moment, the youngest movie being considered. (Remember, each movie has to be at least five years old) Exciting, thought provoking, sad, suspenseful, and, this is important to me with an espionage thriller, not an ounce of humor. I would have never thought of casting Damon and he's perfect. And as much as I love the next two, IDENTITY gets the nod because of Franka Potente's character, which, unfortunately, gets killed off at the very beginning of SUPREMECY. How these movies get ignored at Oscar time is a travesty and is a real indicator how the Academy Awards have lost touch.

RAVINGS FROM A MAN THAT NEVER SLEEPS... 07/10

Say a rosary for Old Baldy...

Open the car door for your woman...

Keep redesigning your ipod. You do know that I have the single, most amazing ipod on the planet, don't you? I challenge any ipod to a duel at dawn. Just don't bring your loved ones because it's gonna get real ugly...

My basment is like a casino. Icy cold, dark, full of so much entertainment, and you never know what time it is. I think I'll stay down there for a year and just make everyone come to me...

My jockey's are riding up the crack of my ass...

I hate having to get money out of my back pants pocket when I have my seat belt on and I have to stop and pay a toll. There's no way of doing that without looking like a D-bag...

God created Ennio Morricone.

Listen! Listen! Listen!

Cookies! Cookies! Cookies!

Sex! Sex! Sex!

Sunsets! Sunsets! Sunsets!

Lugnuts! Lugnuts! Lugnuts!

Bra's hanging on bedroom doorknobs...

SOMEBODY HAS HAD TOO MUCH TO THINK!

RAVINGS FROM A MAN THAT NEVER SLEEPS... 07/08

Although, I refuse to put all the blame on him, it might be time for Charlie to go. The Phils have been playing lousy for a month, no one's listening, and their time is NOW...

The Chevy Impala that I am driving currently might be the type of car that is the future of America. It's just the right size...

WEEDS... after a disappointing third season, is really terrific so far this year. Has Parker made some deal with the devil.  She never ages...

IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF he's healthy, Brand will make the Sixers an instant Eastern finals contender...

Brett Favre has gotten downright embarrassing...

I haven't heard one new COLDPLAY song yet that's knocked me out...

Thanks to everyone who came out to the Borgata on Sunday night. To work a hotel that gets the greatest entertainers in the world is a real honor, it really is...

Thank God the graduation parties are OVER!

RAVINGS FROM A MAN THAT NEVER SLEEPS... 07/01

JULY 4TH... MY FIRST SEA ISLE CITY MEMORY...

When I was little, my Mother used to take me and a friend to Wildwood twice every summer. It was always during the week (guess the rates were cheaper) and we would stay at a boarding house called the Poplar. It had no air conditioning, no TV, just a bed and a bureau with a bathroom down the hall. It may not sound all that luxurious to you, but to me and my friends, it might as well have been the Borgata. Sea Isle City? I had never even heard of it. It was Wildwood or nothing.

However, my Mom had a friend named Mrs. Brady (Moms didn't have first names in those days) who had rented this huge green house on Landis Avenue and she invited me and my mom down for the big July 4th weekend. To this day, I swear this house was the same house that was turned into "The Queen of Ireland," a joint that sold Irish goodies like Jeff Caps and sweaters.  I was so excited I couldn't sleep the night before. Waves! Staying up late! Rides!

So Saturday morning, me and my Mom, along with the rest of the Brady clan (No Mr. Brady ...Dads never went on vacation in my neighborhood), piled in the back of this giant, blue, dented station wagon. It was the model with the two seats in the back that faced the cars driving behind you. We were headed to this foreign tropical island called Sea Isle City. It was the first time I was even in a car!

After what seemed like a week, we finally pulled on to that final stretch of highway taking us towards the Sea Isle bridge. Where were those funny looking, falling down, houses on stilts like North Wildwood had? Nowhere to be seen. I was sticking my head out the car window and I still couldn't see a roller coaster or even a Ferris wheel.

Turned out Sea Isle was a different type of place all together.  A true "beach" town. You know how Wrigley field and Yankee Stadium have no mascots or any of the bells and whistles that Citizen's Bank has? Well, they believe that THE GAME is enough. Well, that was Sea Isle's attitude. We offer you a beautiful beach. Isn't that enough? 

It was a beautiful day and the water was spectacular. When you're nine you stay in it ALL day! Riding waves. Burying each other in the sand. . Throwing mud in each other's faces. You know, fun stuff like that. Bodysurfing a wave in, however, I noticed a man who ranked right up there with Santa Claus when you were a kid and that was the Fudgy Wudgy Man! Yes! Thank God my Mother didn't hit me with the Number One Mom Beach Line, "YOU JUST ATE!" 

Being that we were guests, my Mom bought ice cream sandwiches for everybody. (A truly underrated snack)

Then a weird thing happened. When I was done woofing down my treat, I went to run back in the ocean.  My Mother yelled out, "Whoa! Hold on a minute. You gotta wait thirty minutes before you go back in the water."

Huh? What the heck was this? My Mother had never pulled this stunt on me before, but Mrs. Brady nodded her head in agreement and gave my Mom a glance of approval. My Mom never adhered to this "rule" when it was just me and her sitting on the beach, but now, with Mrs. Brady sitting beside her, she had to follow the unwritten Mom's Code. NO GOING IN THE WATER FOR THIRTY MINUTES AFTER YOU'VE EATEN!

I immediately protested. THIRTY MINUTES?! What would happen to me? Would my body cramp and seize into a Cirque Du Soleil performer? Would I morph into a human sized lobster never to be seen by my loved ones again?

What if I, God forbid, went in after only TWENTY NINE MINUTES!? Maybe I would turn into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife. And what kind of a name is Lot?

Well, the thirty minutes went by, back in the water I went, and I'll tell you one thing. I didn't eat on the beach for the rest of the weekend. Which is probably how this old Wive's Tale existed to begin with. To save money on food!

Well, there it is, my first Sea Isle memory and if you will excuse me, my thirty minutes are up, and I'm heading back in the water.

RAVINGS FROM A MAN THAT NEVER SLEEPS... 06/23

George Carlin... If Pryor would have remained healthy, he might have held the crown of Greatest Standup Ever, but George will be buried with that crown till someone digs him up and claims it... Dangerfield & Rickles are close, but they do not have the body of material that Carlin had... met him three times and he was always cordial and polite... was asked to speak about him today on NBC10 and I consider that an honor as well as the fact that I have performed on twelve stages that he performed on also, including the Borgata where he was booked to appear twenty days after I am... Funniest show I ever saw will always be Carlin, the Midnight Show at the Sahara in Vegas, with Deb (We weren't married yet), August of '81... Saw him 15 times or so throughout they years beginning with the Main Point in Bryn Marr. . . . . . thought his last HBO special was his best of the last five and how many of us will be able to say that at 70... his thoughts on religion ARE religion to me... THE COUNTRY LOST A FUNNY AND IMPORTANT MAN!

RAVINGS FROM A MAN THAT NEVER SLEEPS... 06/17

Every now and then, you have one of those days. So when I do, I like to remind myself of things that have been putting a smile on my face lately:
Aretha Franklin... Hershey's chocolate bars... the ocean... my wife singing like she's at the Bogata when she's drunk... jeans right out of the dryer... nice, polite people... Mary Louise Parker... Weezer's Red Album... Paul Shaffer... Jamie Moyer... Mo's ribs in Sea Isle... my convertible... my Ipod... Magazines... Father's Day... LeCompt...

Of all the columns I have ever written, this one has been the most recent.

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